| xxii: September 23, 2024 |
|---|
|
Hi again, internet stranger. lol as if anyone actually reads a blog nowadays let alone mine. Nonetheless, I sit at the library and type. It is the library that I want to write of today, more so the people I've made friends with here - even if it is only in my head. I know I'll inevitably forget them as I do everything else in my past, so here my effort to remember them in the future: The first person I remember recognizing as a regular is the computer guy. I wrote about him earlier on entry 20, but I'll go more in depth about him here. He's usually clean-shaven with a mostly full head of silver white hair, I think he may be in his late 60s but I've never been the best judge of age. Everyday he wears a different variation of the same outfit: solid, neutral colored t-shirt, solid, neutral colored cargo shorts or pants, and suspenders. He used to sit in this one corner of the library, but now sits in the main sitting area, always in the left chair of the same desk facing out the windo and onto the park. From what I understand, he gets here when the library opens and stays until it closes: roughly 10 hours. I don't know what he does on the weekends as I'm usually not here those days. Everyday he brings his cardboard box which houses his pc and sets up his whole computer system. I don't really know what he does while he is here, but one day I saw him just watching movies. In my head, he is the stern but kind grand-fatherly type, I like him. The next regulars are a pair. Two older women, I'd but them early 60s - but again I'm not a great judge of age. One of them has brown turning grey curly hair and a long face, frankly I don't really remember what she wears. The other might be slightly older than her with greyer straight hair and she always wears a hoodie (usually blue) with the hood up. They both wear n95 masks and sit in neighboring chairs facing out the window as well. They both arrive soon to when the library opens, one usually arrives before the other, and leave a little after 1:00 but it depends on the day. When the second arrives, they talk for a little bit, but for the most part they stare and watch out the window for hours. Recently, i've begun to notice another man who frequents the library most if not every day. I didn't notice him before because he sits in a different part of the library than i usually do. He's usually wearing the same thing: red t-shirt, dark wash blue jeans, sometimes a dark red plaid flannel. He has thinning black hair, and a permanent tired scowel on his face - though i don't think he's usually upset. Judging by his nature, id venture to say that he is probably homeless, or at least spends a significant time outside. My favorite part to him is how he stays while at the library: he brings sheets of plastic (maybe from bags?) to put down on his chair and desk - that way he is protected from both surfaces. I don't know how much of a talker he is, but if i did ever have the chance to talk to him, I would like to. Those are the main objects of my new narrative, I'm sure I'll add more as they come. |
| xxi: September 9, 2024 |
|
I can't help but feel as though I am wasting my time. I am stuck in a monotony of the same boring repitition; stuck in a cycle of useless sameness longingly staring outside of the same pane of window glass, the same tree, the same bridge, the same songs, the same thoughts. I think one of the hardest parts about depression is the loss of self that comes with it. With my new everyday, that shadow of my mind haunts me: I have nowhere to run, no light to shine to distract, no constant happiness to drown out the feeling of sinking. And I can feel myself changing, can see the rapid degeneration of the person I loved to be. I don't love to be me anymore - the endless weight of a self imposed agony perpetuated by the sabatoge of everything that brings me joy. I don't see the beauty of light and life the way I did before; when I look at the world now, I look with blured vision at how I cannot appreciate it the way it deserves. I can see myself isolating from the people who have brought me back time and time again - and I don't think they see it. And how could they? I spend hours trying to fall asleep, cycling between ceiling fan or fluorescent screen until I slip into a comatose state. I secretly relish the hungerlessness as I try to not fall into another downward spiral. I ache with lonliness but can't seem to text back, exhausted by the thought of having to actually socialize. I'm forgetting how to talk. I spend my time living in spiraling thoughts, occasionally talking about meaninglessness with my family and boyfriend, but everytime I speak, the words come out wrong. They sound weird in my mouth, uncomfortable as though they do not belong. I want escape from this colorless day; I want to feel the real me again. |
| xx: September 6, 2024 |
|
The heat is overwhelming. it's a suffocating wall of oppression that makes even the most spry lethargic. Luckily, I have my solace: the public library! Everyday I have been coming here in an attempt to escape and grasp onto some form of control and self dignity instead of rot. In the library, there is this one back corner that faces out to a beautiful natural area. It is usually overrun by an older fellow with a full computer and screen - not just your average laptop, it's a whole system. It's Quite beautiful really. Anyways, there are only two tables in this corner, and that guy is always at the closer table facing the other. Because I'm a wimp, i've never sat at the other table... until today! For the first time ever, the two tables were empty, and I finally got to sit in the corner! The trees, the bridge, the light - it is divine. I've finished updating and refurbishing my music page and I'm very pleased with how it looks. I haven't decided what I am going to do next website wise, but I think I've got the easy stuff done with. For now, I think I'll go play some harmonica and eat some lunch. |
| xix: september 5, 2024 |
|
My blog posts are even boring me to write, so hopefully I'll actually start writing more, better, things soon. But for now, I'm just so excited about starting my website again so y'all are getting all the updates here!! I've been working mostly on my Poetry page, and it looks so good now - well at least it looks exponentially better than it did before! I've changed the background, font, color, and transfered over all my poems from my notes app. Gosh it looks good!! Now that I have my blog page and poetry page more customized, I can't wait to keep working on the other pages. I think I want to work on the photography page next, but we'll see if that happens and how much work it's going to take... |
| xviii: September 4, 24 |
|
Day two of starting after almost a year... gulp! I think I'll come and import all my previous blog posts now that I have everything I want moved over. Once I get my ipad back i'm going to get started on some drawings to link to the different pages. Hopefully we'll get my main page looking less static and linear. It'll require a lot more table expertise but what is this for if not to learn. |
| xvii: September 3, 24 |
| Oh how good fun this is! Redoing my blog right now - obviously - and then onto more! I just need to figure out how to set a picture as a background... |
| * Author's Note * |
| Im starting again :D |
| xvi: October 23, 23 |
|
Wow it's been a while since i've updated this thing... I had a wild dream last night: I'm not sure how it started, or how i came to know that my neighbor was being murdered, but he was. To set the stage, I am a man and am married, me and my wife have an 11 year old daughter. We live in a two story house that backs up on some woods, and this house is nice, it has a fresh coat of white paint, a tile roof, and on the left hand side on the second story, a large window opens up to a ledge/roof that one could stand upon - this is important. Across the street is another story, my neighbor's house is run down, the grass is overgrown and patchy, the house is this gross peeling beige color. Enough backround. The story commences at night, my wife is making dinner, my child is ill and asleep upon the brown couch in our living room, and i suddenly become aware to a commotion from our neighbor's yard. Instead of looking out a downstairs window - i'm downstairs already caring for my daughter - i decide to go to the upstairs window that i previously mentioned. Here, to my confusement, I see my neighbor and his boyfriend out in the yard. Wanting a closer look, I open the window and step upon the ledge, here I see what is truly happening, my neighbor is being murdered, he is dying right in front of me. My perspective in this is not first person, I see through eyes not fully my own, and this enables me to see from a different perspective, like an out of body experience. But at this time, my witness switches to the scene below where i can see, or understand, that my neighbor is wrapped in chain and is slowly being asphixiatied by the chain rope tied around his body. He is crawling on the ground, trying to find escape while being watched by his boyfriend, a maniacal smile on his face as he watches his boyfriend in his final minutes. Freaked out I hide behind the wall, unable to take my eyes away from the scene but not wanting to be spotted. Finally some sence of intellegence comes to me and i rush inside. Running down to the kitchen, i tell my wife what is happening, urging her to call the police. I am hysterical, thinking my family is to be next so I urge and urge, wanting to run, but my wife tries to assure me that we are fine and that we won't be next, refusing to call the police. She continues cooking as we argue when, not unexpectedly, I hear a knock at the door. My wife pays no mind, like she didn't hear it. I go silent, I know instantly who it is. I rush to the living room and frantically try to waken my daughter so we can get out. The knocking continues and finally my wife joins my in the living room, she finally looks worried. All of a sudden, I see him standing in my house, standing in black, bloody clothes. What happens next is a blur, but in the end, I stand in a room covered with blood, alive, my is wife dead, my is daughter dead. Before i wake, I had this understanding that I would join this madman on his murder escipade, I no longer had anything to live for. |
| xv: October 11, 23 |
|
My ex is spreading rumers about me AGAIN. I mean HOW LOW do you have to be to hurt someone who has been out of your life for THREE FUCKING YEARS. I'M SO FED UP! I can't win, they haven't been a thought in my mind for months but NO! Just when i try to MOVE ON WITH MY OWN GODDAMN LIFE they have to waltz back in because they have to be the center of attention. And what's worse... They're spreading rumers about my friends, people who aren't even involved. They're saying shit like my friend ASSAULTED them, WHAT THE FUCK!!! DON'T YOU REALIZE THE IMPACT OF YOUR WORDS! DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW THEY CAN RUIN SOMEONE'S LIFE?!?! DO YOU EVER STOP TO THINK THAT NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU??? And yet you wonder why you have no friends? I mean, it's pretty obvious... I just want to move on with my life, maybe you should too. |
| xiv: October 10, 23 |
| I'm becoming unmotivated to work on this website, which sucks because I have all these plans that I want to do, i just dont seem to have time. I want to add drawings to the routing(?) page, I haven't even started on the art or bass sections, and maybe others? God i haven't done anything in so long that i'm forgetting what's actually on this thing! Urghhh!! I need to change the colors on the poetry page, they're pretty, but way too dark. I still need to figure out how to change fonts, actually upload photos, and i think i need to learn JavaScript to do a fun thing with the title page. We'll figure it out eventually... there will be time eventually... |
| xiii: October 5, 23 |
| I am so exhausted, school is ruling my life so I don't have any time to work on my website, which makes me quite sad. The last blog post took me four days since it was quite challenging to work through, but I have no free time anymore. It takes everything in me not to fall asleep during class, to try and pay attention, but my lack of sleep is taking its toll. 5 hours per night is simply not enough. This week is also the final week before the end of Quarter 1 (oh my god) and there has been so much to do: Research Term Paper was finished on monday (i turned it in with 2899 words, only 899 words over the limit, but i did cut it down 4oo+ words!), religion quiz today, two art projects due Friday, Bio quiz Friday. O v e r w h e l m e d. |
| xii: October 24, 23 |
| Edit: It was answering questions for an art project. I have since decided not to include the origional post because this is actually on the internet and y'all dont need to be reading my deepest darkest secrets >:) |
| xi: October 23, 23 |
As insinuated in yesterday's blog post, gender and expression have been at the forefront of my mind, so for future self, and/or others that are reading, here is my guide for dysphoria days (m):
This is *enter name here* Signing off (guys I actualluy have a name now as of a year later! it's spencer!) |
| x: October 22, 23 |
|
*edited from origional* I am trapped in this physical form, a constant push and pull to try to rearange and reshape. ever since 8th grade I have been at war with my body, no it started earlier than that. i remember elementary school when i created a workout plan for myself to loose weight because i thought i was fat. Elementary school! Cruel. nobody should go through that let alone a literal child! but 7th/8th grade it got bad... like really bad. It got bad because of multiple pressures: Covid, gender, social media, new school. Oh Covid, the genus leading to all facets of self and of change... I was so isolated, so in pain, so out of control because there was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless. I hardly remember anything about this time anymore, but I knew that Covid was when my soon to be eating disorder started emerging, I remember being with friends - we'd meet sometimes and ride bikes - and me and Taya would enable eachother in our thinking and hatred of ourselves. This was only further emphasized by the questioning of my gender, something that is weighing on me heavily to this day. I argued with my body in so many ways, my weight, my chest, my hips, my face, my legs, my mind, my guts, there wasn't a thing that I could like about myself. Orange Juice became my motto, my only comfort as I would wait for the bathroom to rid my mind. Feel my throat close, feel the thick, the warm as the snake of shame and hatred comes from my mouth. Gag, gag, stick my fingers further back YOU FAT FUCKING FAG!(ok so hi me from the future here... i know this is like so emo and im much, much healthier now, but it was such a beautiful and emotional sentence I had to keep it... sorry) i don't think i've ever fully recovered from those days. there are days where it's still so hard to eat, to look in the mirror and like what i see, to not kneel before the holy shrine of self hatred on my bathroom floor. |
| ix: september 22, |
| Tomorrow my longing will be fulfilled for it is the equinox of autumn, a time for ghoulish delight, of feverish fervor of the night. My mind it wakes, it anticipates, the night of horrors soon to come, I long await my time to run. |
| viii: September 22, 23 |
|
I keep trying to write, to get anything regurgetated from the bowels of my mind, of my throat, but all that come are dry heaves that leave me unsatisfied, a bitter taste in my mouth. I am so exhausted, laying in bed shaking, quaking, begging for salvation from my brain, from the control that chemicals have over my life. This constant tug-of-war between me and hormones leaves me limp, a shell of a person just trying to survive until the next euphoria, the next depression, the next mania, the next time i drown. I made a promise to myself that this life is not forever, I am not condemmed to this hell for eternity. This is now - sinking, drowning, decaying - and now is simply that, but soon, soon there will be light, a revival from muscle atrophy to swim stronger against the cold riptide of the current. Peace, peace I yearn for, my mind aches for... |
| vii: September ?, 23 |
|
A list of my least favorite words: - squelch - crisp - oxyginated Words of fun flavor: - Whomp OH MY GOD I GOT A 100% ON MY MATH TEST WHICH BROUGHT MY GRADE UP TO AN A AHHH YAYAYAYYAYAYYAYYAYAYAY!!!!!! |
| vi: September ?, 23 |
| who knows what happened to this, except for two words: nicotine daydream |
| v: September 19, 23 |
|
A new day, a new morn, a new day to be reborn- Walk through the flowers to feel their rejoice, Walk through the flowers to feel their sorrow- mourn for roses, mourn for lilies, Go, go - go and sin- mourn the feild you igrnarantly feast in. |
| iv: September 18, 23 |
| Oh long and arduous have the days of recent been... I think and I mourn the loss of my youth. Long has been the nonexistent day of teenage rebellion, of freedom, of vitality. All that surmounts in my life is my floor, covered in little white papers, of books piled so high they swallow my body, my mind, my brains against the cold concrete. I swallow the bitter syrup of life, I wallow in it's priorities, I lament what could, maybe what should, be. I think often of what all this is for, how and why must we dance along turbulent treetops, threatening with the perilous winds of hysteria, dews of delusion. I hope that soon, I will learn to balance on this so high branch, learn the dance of life. |
| iii: September 11, 23 |
|
Y'all... finally made the switch to Spotify from Pandora, and although I am sadder to not have Pandora than I thought I would be, I am quite thrilled by the possibility to stalk what my friends are listening to - I hear that this is a function? For now I am still trying to copy over all the songs that I have ever listened to and loved from the wee rap loving 6th grader to the rock loving aged person (ahh internet safety) I am today. I am at 500 songs right now, we'll keep working on it cause I probably have another 400 that I need to do. But, I will have to wait till I have the time, because now, it is AP Biology, and I will always use this time for coding. Speaking of Music (uh oh tangent time because I LOOOOVEEE music!!!) I cannot wait to get started on my music page on this website!! I have so many plans I'm just not quite sure how to exercise it as of yet - you know, formatting is h a r d - but its gonna be so rockin'. You know what... I'm gonna go work on that now i think! Peace and love, peace and love... |
| ii: September 8, 23 |
|
Ok, so technically this is the 9th, i.e it is 12:46 am, but I have not passed the night and woken up to the following morn, so the 8th it is. I've been stewing away on my website, lunch in Jones' and all of bio, per usual, mainly working on my About Me Page. The jazzy name I have to dedicate in part to Harley, but other than that, and the description, I still don't know exactly where I want to go with that page... I saw some of my friends today, celebrating the birthday of one of them (i don't have permission to share names so we keepin it safe online) and we did an escape room and yall! (I like how it seems that i'm talking to people even though i'm the only one reading this) but to the story... we beat the hardest room in the 2nd fastest time ever, go us! 24 minutes and 57 seconds as the Posse Princesses - rad. Anywho... i'll be adding more pictures soon, but for now, and maybe ever, this blog is kinda lame, but that's cool with me, it's nice to keep a journal of what goes on, even if it is booooring and lame c: |
| i: September 7th |
|
Blog Post 1?!?! You betcha! Currently writing this from my AP Biology class, honestly haven't heard a word that my teacher's said... oh well that's for later me... Our Bio Plants are coming along, now they've started to loose some flowers, probably becuase the spicy fall air cause it's starting to cool down. I have spent so much time on this website and I am so happy that it's starting to come together!! All except fonts, still haven't figured those out and knida procrastinating trying again. Anywho... Welcome! I can't wait to see where this goes! (it's 10:13 pm now I really need to get back to homework but tbh would much rather do this than the bio notes i didn't take earlier today. 5 more minutes...) |