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Blog 16: 10.23.2023
Wow it's been a while since i've updated this thing...
I had a wild dream last night: I'm not sure how it started, or how i came to know that my neighbor was being murdered, but he was. To set the stage, I am a man and am married, me and my wife have an 11 year old daughter. We live in a two story house that backs up on some woods, and this house is nice, it has a fresh coat of white paint, a tile roof, and on the left hand side on the second story, a large window opens up to a ledge/roof that one could stand upon - this is important. Across the street is another story, my neighbor's house is run down, the grass is overgrown and patchy, the house is this gross peeling beige color. Enough backround. The story commences at night, my wife is making dinner, my child is ill and asleep upon the brown couch in our living room, and i suddenly become aware to a commotion from our neighbor's yard. Instead of looking out a downstairs window - i'm downstairs already caring for my daughter - i decide to go to the upstairs window that i previously mentioned. Here, to my confusement, I see my neighbor and his boyfriend out in the yard. Wanting a closer look, I open the window and step upon the ledge, here I see what is truly happening, my neighbor is being murdered, he is dying right in front of me. My perspective in this is not first person, I see through eyes not fully my own, and this enables me to see from a different perspective, like an out of body experience. But at this time, my witness switches to the scene below where i can see, or understand, that my neighbor is wrapped in chain and is slowly being asphixiatied by the chain rope tied around his body. He is crawling on the ground, trying to find escape while being watched by his boyfriend, a maniacal smile on his face as he watches his boyfriend in his final minutes. Freaked out I hide behind the wall, unable to take my eyes away from the scene but not wanting to be spotted. Finally some sence of intellegence comes to me and i rush inside. Running down to the kitchen, i tell my wife what is happening, urging her to call the police. I am hysterical, thinking my family is to be next so I urge and urge, wanting to run, but my wife tries to assure me that we are fine and that we won't be next, refusing to call the police. She continues cooking as we argue when, not unexpectedly, I hear a knock at the door. My wife pays no mind, like she didn't hear it. I go silent, I know instantly who it is. I rush to the living room and frantically try to waken my daughter so we can get out. The knocking continues and finally my wife joins my in the living room, she finally looks worried. All of a sudden, I see him standing in my house, standing in black, bloody clothes. What happens next is a blur, but in the end, I stand in a room covered with blood, alive, my is wife dead, my is daughter dead. Before i wake, I had this understanding that I would join this madman on his murder escipade, I no longer had anything to live for.
Blog 15: 10.11.2023
My ex is spreading rumers about me AGAIN.
I mean HOW LOW do you have to be to hurt someone who has been out of your life for THREE FUCKING YEARS. I'M SO FED UP! I can't win, they haven't been a thought in my mind for months but NO! Just when i try to MOVE ON WITH MY OWN GODDAMN LIFE they have to waltz back in because they have to be the center of attention. And what's worse... They're spreading rumers about my friends, people who aren't even involved. They're saying shit like my friend ASSAULTED them, WHAT THE FUCK!!! DON'T YOU REALIZE THE IMPACT OF YOUR WORDS! DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW THEY CAN RUIN SOMEONE'S LIFE?!?! DO YOU EVER STOP TO THINK THAT NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU??? And yet you wonder why you have no friends? I mean, it's pretty obvious...
I just want to move on with my life, maybe you should too.
Blog 14: 10.10.2023
I'm becoming unmotivated to work on this website, which sucks because I have all these plans that I want to do, i just dont seem to have time. I want to add drawings to the routing(?) page, I haven't even started on the art or bass sections, and maybe others? God i haven't done anything in so long that i'm forgetting what's actually on this thing! Urghhh!! I need to change the colors on the poetry page, they're pretty, but way too dark. I still need to figure out how to change fonts, actually upload photos, and i think i need to learn JavaScript to do a fun thing with the title page. We'll figure it out eventually... there will be time eventually...
Blog 13: 10.05.2023
I am so exhausted, school is ruling my life so I don't have any time to work on my website, which makes me quite sad. The last blog post took me four days since it was quite challenging to work through, but I have no free time anymore. It takes everything in me not to fall asleep during class, to try and pay attention, but my lack of sleep is taking its toll. 5 hours per night is simply not enough. This week is also the final week before the end of Quarter 1 (oh my god) and there has been so much to do: Research Term Paper was finished on monday (i turned it in with 2899 words, only 899 words over the limit, but i did cut it down 4oo+ words!), religion quiz today, two art projects due Friday, Bio quiz Friday. O v e r w h e l m e d.
Blog 12: 09.24.2023
I need to answer some prompts from art class to brainstorm for my next project, so forgive this long and arduous blog post that will probably be tremendously introspective and not make much sence to anyone but myself.
Hierarchically arrange the following six words how you see yourself: Artist, self, student, daughter, friend, partner:
Self
student
artist
friend
daughter
partner
Why did you choose this order?
Self: something that I have been thinking about often for many months. Self is something that is almost always on my mind, I try to base everything I do after being the most me that I can, living a life for myself and not for other people. This is something that has taken years to begin to do because for the longest time I did everything based on what other people though of me, expected of me, or what I thought they did, putting words into other people mouths in my mind. This had detrimental effects, so today, and all days to come, I want to live according to me, really know who I am.
Student: As much as I hate to say it, My life revolves around school. I am at school for 8-9 hours a day and do homework for a minimum of 5 hours a day, it's exhausting. I'll always be a student, I mean, I plan on being in school for awhile, like 15 more years, but even after that, we as people are always learning and therefor always students. This is second on the list because it makes up a big part of my life, but I also love learning and am always looking to learn more and more.
Artist: Art is such a big part of my life, and I need it to survive. I am an artist in its traditional sence with drawing/painting/sculpting, but I am also a musician (bass) and a writer (mostly poetry). I think that art is one of the reasons that i am alive, and something i will carry with me forever, even if it isn't my carrer.
Friend: It was hard to put this so far down on the list, because my friends are so so important to me and I wouldn't be me without my friends. The thing is, my friends are not me, and i do not mean this in a egotistical mannor. I am influenced by my friends everyday, they inspire me, they make life less lonely, I grow because of them, but I am not so intertwained with them that they become my life - trust me, this is very dangerous - so they go at number four.
Daughter: I have to preface this by saying that if i was romantically involved with anyone (i.e. "partner"), then this would probably be last. I find the concept of family and "daughter" specifically to be challenging because I am so disconnected from them. It's no secret that I have a far from perfect relationship with my father, and the one with my mother is so back and forth, my brother is one of my best friends, so we have eachother at the very least. This isn't family though, we're all just strangers living under one roof, only sharing some DNA. I don't know what 'family' is, maybe because i've never felt like i've had one, but i don't think it should feel like this.
Partner: I am not romantically involved with anyone at the moment, which is for the better. You see, there is a part of me that has always, and may always, believed that I am a bad, tormented person. You know the phrase "hurt people hurt people," yeah, i feel like a physical manifestation of it. I've hurt so many people, and been hurt by so many people, and everyday i fear that the people i love will see through me and realize how awful of a person i am, see how vast the void of faults i have is. I feel sorry for my friends for the hurt that i will inevitably cause, oh i cannot bear to hurt anyone else.
How is your identity defined by your decision-making process?
Every decision i make changes who i am, every decision from the miniscule to the grandeous makes me who I am for I am ever changing. I am not the same person I was a month ago, nor a week ago, nor an hour ago, and I think that this continual change is beautiful and holds people to a standard of understanding and forgiveness. My identity is defined by my decision-making process because each decision makes me change, and hopefully grow as a person. However, i have a knack for settling for less, for just accepting things as they are, which has merit, but not reaching for better, or advocating for what I want. I guess in this way i can be a bit of a doormat, chosing other people's happiness or expectations over what i want - classic people-pleaser behavior as someone who hates conflict.
Who's needs do you put before your own?
When it involves people's emotional and/or mental health, i will almost always put their needs before my own. For these people, it's trust and i want trust with people because this builds relationships and growth. However, i tend do this to a point that it effects my needs, my mental health, it's all i can think of, and i want to do whatever i can to help (save) whoever it is, this is not beneficial for myself or for the other person. Other than this, my Mother.
How often do you ignore your own feelings and/or what your gut is trying to tell you?
Starting with the second part of this question, i think i listen to my gut, i've had to learn how to to be able to survive relationships and events from my past. It's pattern recognition, and maybe i am overly cautious, seeing things in places they don't exist, but it's better than being hurt like that again...
The first part of the question is a bit more nuanced because i recognize my emotions, most of the time, but it's what i choose not to do with them and/or for them. I have a tendency to bottle everything up, i know that i shouldn't, that i'll explode time and time again, that it isn't a healthy way of life, and yet i do nothing. I know i need help, learn how to deal with my stresses, my traumas, heal from what has happened to me and what i have done to myself, but i am too stuborn or too weak. I think that i will be able to pull myself out time and time again, but someday i'll burn out, a glowing could-have-been in my death , but i find excuse after excuse to not change this ill-fated path of inevitable demise. Really, I think i'm scared, scared to change, scared of what could be...
When you are working through problems in your work and/or in life, who do you talk to?
I don't tend to talk to many, it calls for a certain vulnerability and opening up in ways that seem to say "save me," my need for change staring right at me. I used to be terrified of opening up to anyone, all I ever knew was hurt and manipulation from doing so, but then i met beautiful people, and lost beautiful people, but they've helped me learn how to see that honesty in self is not a problem. I am still scared to open up, to be a burden to others, to be hurt, or to hurt others, but i am not scared to be honest with the people i trust most anymore. There are things that i will probably always keep concealed in my heart, in my body, and i'm still scared to show actual emotion in front of others, but in this way i think i've grown, grown into a better, more healed version of myself. The only person i will ever fully trust is myself, i'm the only person who has always been there, i'm the only person who has helped me, saved me, time and time agian, and so the only person i truly talk to is myself. I can be vulnerable, a can cry, i can hate, and the only person is myself and will always be myself.
What are you struggling with right now? Is there a recurring thought you would like to get rid of?
It's hard to put it into words, i guess it's just life and the overwhelming, cynical, and ciclical nature of everyday. I guess that it's stress, it's isolation, it's the hurt and the memories from my past that i have done nothing to change, it's stagnation, it's a fear of myself and a fear for myself. It's a need for change and fear of change, it's a fear that life moves everyday and i cannot keep up, it's being alive but not living. I want peace more than anything, but my mind never rests...
When faced with making a big decision, how do you decide what is the right thing to do?
I honestly don't know how to answer this question, each big decision is different from the next both in environment and in maturity and mentality. However, it takes me a while to come to a complete decision, or at least to understand the consequences and effects of the decision.
What have you been postponing lately? Why are you avoiding it?
How does making a mistake make you feel or think about yourself? Do you take responsibility for your mistakes, or do you tend to blame others?
Blog 11: 09.23.2023
As insinuated in yesterday's blog post, gender and expression have been at the forefront of my mind, so for future self, and/or others that are reading, here is my guide for dysphoria days (m):
- Greasy hair, idealy it hasn't been washed and you wake with it flat + bit messy
- Use hair gel to fluff eyebrows
- nose ring (fake if it's not pierced)
- mascara moustache, just to get the hair (ie. faint)
- Binder
- socks (ifykyk)
- baggy clothes - Graphic tees + jeans work well
This is my guide of survival for the days when being biologically female makes me sick to my stomache... honestly - depending on the day - I can even like how I look. This does make me reconsider my hair though... I was planning on growing it out to a super short grungy bob, but obviously that's a pretty feminine hair cut. I was comfortable with this at the time, but now the thought of hair like that makes me feel ick. What I'm thinking now is growing my hair out long, man bun length, and then an undercut, this would give me lots of fluidity in my look depending on how i was feeling day to day. We'll see...
This is *enter name here* Signing off
Blog 10: 09.22.2023 - later
I fucking hate this physical form that I am trapped in, a constant push and pull to try to rearange and reshape. ever since 8th grade ive hated my body, no it started earlier than that. i remember elementary school when i created a workout plan for myself to loose weight because i thought i was fat. FUCKING ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WHAT THE FUCK! nobody should go through that let alone a literal child! but 7th/8th grade it got bad... like really bad. It got bad because of multiple pressures: Covid, gender, social media, new school. Covid - this is the genus leading to all other facets, it is what I blame most after myself...
I was so isolated, so in pain, so out of control because there was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless. I hardly remember anything about this time anymore, but I knew that Covid was when my soon to be eating disorder started emerging, I remember being with friends - we'd meet sometimes and ride bikes - and me and Taya would enable eachother in our thinking and hatred of ourselves. This was only further emphasized by the questioning of my gender, something that is weighing on me heavily to this day. I hated my body in so many ways, my weight, my chest, my hips, my face, my legs, my mind, my guts, there wasn't a thing that I could like about myself.
Purge, purge, purge my shame. Purge, purge, purge my hatred. Orange Juice became my motto, my only comfort as I would wait for the bathroom to be empty so i could rid the acid from my stomach, my mind. Feel my throat close, feel the thick, the warm as the snake of shame and hatred comes from my mouth. Gag, gag, stick my fingers further back YOU FAT FUCKING FAG!
i don't think i've ever fully recovered from those days. there are days where it's still so hard to eat, to look in the mirror and like what i see, to not kneel before the holy shrine of self hatred on my bathroom floor.
Blog 9: 09.22.2023
Tomorrow my longing will be fulfilled for it is the equinox of autumn, a time for ghoulish delight, of feverish fervor of the night. My mind it wakes, it anticipates, the night of horrors soon to come, I long await my time to run.
Blog 8: 09.21.2023
I keep trying to write, to get anything regurgetated from the bowels of my mind, of my throat, but all that come are dry heaves that leave me unsatisfied, a bitter taste in my mouth. I am so exhausted, laying in bed shaking, quaking, begging for salvation from my brain, from the control that chemicals have over my life. This constant tug-of-war between me and hormones leaves me limp, a shell of a person just trying to survive until the next euphoria, the next depression, the next mania, the next time i drown. Maybe one of these days I won't have the strength to resurface, sinking, weightless, towards the icy deep... Until then Vitality! I made a promise to myself that this life is not forever, I am not condemmed to this hell for eternity. This is now - sinking, drowning, decaying - and now is simply that, but soon, soon there will be light, a revival from muscle atrophy to swim stronger against the cold riptide of the current.
Peace, peace I yearn for, my mind aches for...
Blog 7: somewhere in space and time
A list of my least favorite words:
- squelch
- crisp
- oxyginated
Words of fun flavor:
- Whomp
OH MY GOD I GOT A 100% ON MY MATH TEST WHICH BROUGHT MY GRADE UP TO AN A AHHH YAYAYAYYAYAYYAYYAYAYAY!!!!!!
Blog 6: ??????
nicotein daydream
Blog 5: 9/19/23
A new day, a new morn,
a new day to be reborn-
Walk through the flowers
to feel their rejoice,
Walk through the flowers
to feel their sorrow-
mourn for roses,
mourn for lilies,
Go, go - go and sin-
mourn the feild you
igrnarantly feast in.
Blog 4: 9/18/23
Oh long and arduous have the days of recent been... I think and I mourn the loss of my youth. Long has been the nonexistent day of teenage rebellion, of freedom, of vitality. All that surmounts in my life is my floor, covered in little white papers, of books piled so high they swallow my body, my mind, my brains against the cold concrete. I swallow the bitter syrup of life, I wallow in it's priorities, I lament what could, maybe what should, be. I think often of what all this is for, how and why must we dance along turbulent treetops, threatening with the perilous winds of hysteria, dews of delusion. I hope that soon, I will learn to balance on this so high branch, learn the dance of life.
Blog 3: 9/11/23
Y'all... finally made the switch to Spotify from Pandora, and although I am sadder to not have Pandora than I thought I would be, I am quite thrilled by the possibility to stalk what my friends are listening to - I hear that this is a function? For now I am still trying to copy over all the songs that I have ever listened to and loved from the wee rap loving 6th grader to the rock loving aged person (ahh internet safety) I am today. I am at 500 songs right now, we'll keep working on it cause I probably have another 400 that I need to do. But, I will have to wait till I have the time, because now, it is AP Biology, and I will always use this time for coding.
Speaking of Music (uh oh tangent time because I LOOOOVEEE music!!!) I cannot wait to get started on my music page on this website!! I have so many plans I'm just not quite sure how to exercise it as of yet - you know, formatting is h a r d - but its gonna be so rockin'. You know what... I'm gonna go work on that now i think!
Peace and love, peace and love...
Blog 2: 9/8/23
Ok, so technically this is the 9th, i.e it is 12:46 am, but I have not passed the night and woken up to the following morn, so the 8th it is. I've been stewing away on my website, lunch in Jones' and all of bio, per usual, mainly working on my About Me Page. The jazzy name I have to dedicate in part to Harley, but other than that, and the description, I still don't know exactly where I want to go with that page...
I saw some of my friends today, celebrating the birthday of one of them (i don't have permission to share names so we keepin it safe online) and we did an escape room and yall! (I like how it seems that i'm talking to people even though i'm like the only one reading this) but to the story... we beat the hardest room in the 2nd fastest time ever, go us! 24 minutes and 57 seconds as the Posse Princesses - rad.
Anywho... i'll be adding more pictures soon, but for now, and maybe ever, this blog is kinda lame, but that's cool with me, it's nice to keep a journal of what goes on, even if it is kinda lame c:
Blog 1: 9/7/23
Blog Post 1?!?! You betcha! Currently writing this from my AP Biology class, honestly haven't heard a word that my teacher's said... oh well that's for later me... Our Bio Plants are coming along, now they've started to loose some flowers, probably becuase the spicy fall air cause it's starting to cool down.
I have spent so much time on this website and I am so happy that it's starting to come together!! All except fonts, still haven't figured those out and knida procrastinating trying again. Anywho... Welcome! I can't wait to see where this goes!
(it's 10:13 pm now I really need to get back to homework but tbh would much rather do this than the bio notes i didn't take earlier today. 5 more minutes...)